Consequences of the infamous sxx scandal...

I know this post might irritate some people, and I might get hammered...but consider the freedom of speech...and I myself do feel that this is a very disheartening incident...
it's about...oh well, those who read HK entertainment news will know that incident..what else...yes, it is the incident related to some pictures being revealed...
actually I've not given too much thought to such a news or the incident...until I spoke to mum (of which this entertainment news became one of our topics of conversation)...
mum said things in a very harsh manner...
she asked me to 'wake up' ...there's no need to support these people (of the entertainment circle) whom she labeled as being 下流...maybe she's being overboard by saying..all of them in the entertainment circle...
of course I was reluctant to take her comments at first..I have somewhat been an avid 'supporter' of HK entertainment stuffs...and especially of my idol 'little master'...
but right after ending the chat, I cannot help but think and admit that mum's words have some truth in them...
...those who so-called appear to be so so so decent and angelic...so wholesome...
how would we know if they are not wild animals in disguise?
mum linked this point to my dear idol...>.<
mum just tell me to have a clear state of mind, and wake up from supporting these worthless people...
but I seriously cannot digest this at the moment...
I dont know when I will wake up...or if I ever will...
but I know that I probably will not view artists the same way anymore...
you might say that I am blaming the whole flock for some spoilt fellas...
but that's how many members of the public may perceive the matter...
so I guess this incident affects not only the male and female artists involved but also other artists in terms of how the public perceive the entertainment circle...

前世犯了什么错令我有如此的今生？！

刚刚和大舅母在msn live-chat
她说了一些话
令我好难过
我知道她无心令我伤心的，也不知道她这样说了会令我难过
其实我自己有时候也会这样问自己
我到低是不是前世范了好大的错误
令我今生有这样的‘下场’？

大舅母问我，爸爸最近在干什么？
我当然也答不到，
我这半年来。。。一句话都没跟爸爸说
妈妈和妹妹都不理他在干什么了
然后舅母就说
我是在表弟妹们中最不幸运的那个
连我妹妹都是比我幸福的 （因为她可以不管我爸爸，不受他摆布，也不理什么其它问题）
我最不幸运的是因为生在一个这样的家（有个像我爸爸如此不生性的一家之主的家庭）
然后就开始说其他表弟妹们怎么幸福，活得多好
一个一个的数。。。这个多好，那个又多好
我当时忍哭忍得多辛苦
声音也发抖了
不过舅母完全没发觉
因为她忙着说我表弟妹们（包括她的儿女）
还好我还是忍到
我不能在他们任何一个人的面前哭
不能那么丢脸
我要争气
不能败在他们面前

舅母还问了我（因为我爸爸）欠多少钱
也说爸爸跟他们（亲戚）借的钱就最好咯
因为不用还？！
只要我以后对他们好就可以了？！
我感觉到这句是令有意思的，就是爸爸跟他们借的
就由我来还
当然，不用说我也很久以前都有这个念头了
我不想欠任何人的钱！

本来不想说
不过我还是忍不住要在这里发泄
我是人来的！
有感觉，会难过！会伤心的！
而且这个也不能跟妈妈谈，因为一定会令她难过
还好开始写日记了还有个可以帮助自己处理心情的频道

其实在多一个月就毕业可以回家了
一方面好开心可以和家人团聚
不过我知道开心的日子不会久
所以也真的有一点不想会去

我以前在家时候
有时候这些问题令爸爸，妈妈和我自己烦到极点的时候
而我又连想逃避一下，去跟朋友去喝茶都不想浪费钱
所以就还是困在家里
那些你看我看你只觉得烦死的心情的时候
可能很快又会面对到的了

我有时候好伤心，好无奈那时
我心里就会问上天
我到低世犯了什么大错，上天要令我今生走这样的路
几年前，还小，不够坚强，试过跟自己说死了就算
真的，有时候很不想活

几年后的现在
问题依然存在，没改善，也许也变得更坏
不过还好我变得坚强多了
不知道是什么力量帮我撑着
虽然有时候还是很想死
不过还是舍不得这个美好的世界
舍不得家人
舍不得朋友
同时自己也知道我的前途是有的
所以也常常跟自己说不能容易放弃

我希望，老天爷给了一条这样的路我走
也许想惩罚我，锻炼我也好
希望它留着一条生路
让我能走下去。。。
不过有时候还是很不甘元
我从小到大都这么乖
为什么这样对我？
就算是前世欠的
都还清了吧？

和妹妹的心灵感应？！

不知道用词对不对？不过我是想说和妹妹好像有'telepathy'!!
几天没有在MSN看到妹妹了
对上那次是new year's day - Jan 1st
然后很巧合的，我前两三天发了个梦
现在已经不记得细节了
只记得是关于妹妹出事的
当时吓死我了
早上6点哭醒来了，立刻上网看看妹妹在不在
失望地没看到她，不过就留了offline message给她
自己很担心不过也因为好害怕所以不敢打电话回家
直到今天一回来打开电脑看见她的message才知道她2号进了医院
我差点又大哭了
不过知道她现在没什么大外我都安心点

可能有人会说我很笨为什么不打电话回家，只懂得害怕那么没用
其实是因为有了一次的经验
那时（都5/6年前了）我在澳洲读书
我差不多隔天都要听到家人的声音才安心的（受不了我吧？)
然后有一次
家里整个礼拜没有电话来。。。
之后一来电话，妈妈第一句就问我有没有觉得很奇怪为什么他们都没打给我？
然后就告诉我原来是爸爸进了医院。。（那次是他第一次心藏病暴发）
我一听到就哭得好像世界末日了
哭了一整天搞到另一天眼睛肿得没人有;P

所以因为这样，如果没了家里的消息自己一定会胡思乱想
不过还好这次离开家的一年半，是非常的独立（意思是不用天天跟家人聊天了，哈哈）
跟上次是没得比的。。;P

不过也证明了和家人依然是很close的
(虽然我家是很古老的，不会很open的表达爱和关心)

今天和妹妹在MSN chat
聊了一下而已不过是聊得很温馨的（哈哈，一般都不会这样的）

热心帮人。。。

刚刚和一位新朋友msn了一下，结果搞到自己有点气。。
因为这位朋友怕我太热心想帮他可能会坏了他的事。。
把我想成什么人了。。feels like a little bit of an insult...

我是热心帮人不过同时也是个廷有分寸的人
I roughly know what I should and should not do at the right time...
还有我一般不选人来帮，谁需要帮助，说一声，我就会尽量去帮．．．
我为什么怎么热心帮人。。。
我从小，爸爸就常说。。。谁需要帮忙而自己也有能力的话就要尽量去帮
而且想帮就是不要问太多，帮就帮。。。
（这个，妈妈是不同意的；Ｐ其实我也觉得帮人要有限度，爸爸以前热心帮人，现在他状况变坏，那些什么朋友都当作不认识他了．．．）
不过我还是很受爸爸的影响
所以从小都习惯了
我记得幼稚园时候，常常帮朋友们画画（练习簿常常要画一些图的，我能画，大家又喜欢叫我帮他们，我帮人自己开心，大家也开心。。我觉得很好。。）
就是这样从小培养回来
...有一次，一个太学同学没带午餐，虽然自己只带两块面包，我也把自己的分了一半给她
还有一次，好姐妹szeling想申请日本MBA讲学金，要写好多短essays。她找我帮她edit,我那时其实也很忙，不过也先帮她赶她的essays。。虽然自己不熟悉MBA的东西，不过好姐妹说一声，一定尽我所能地去帮...(不过然后她最后还是放弃不申请了，让我说了大半天;PP)

不过当然长大了很多事情也变得复杂
帮人也要小心　（妈妈常常担心我会因为这样热上不需要的麻烦，的确刚不久也发生了这样的事情）
还有不幸云时候会被人利用
不过也没关系，因为很多时候换我会不知不觉得到很多很好很好的友情
所以我绝对相信热心帮别人是美太大问题的
不过我也不是真得人人都帮。。。我只帮一些会帮助自己的人
对于一些只要利用我的人如果让我知道了就不会再理他们的了
不过对于家人和真心的朋友，我是可以不顾自己的利益去帮他们的
but of course, there are exceptions and things are not always on such a serious note anyway...
I dont not expect anything in return but the very least is that the person believe that I am sincere in all that I do...

现在也在帮人家忙。。。替Monika和Ingrid迎接新来的学生（因为他们都相信我的为人才会放心的交那么多间房的钥匙给我）
Elizabeth要离开3个星期也放心地把东西放在我房间．．．
．．．都不知道自己气什么．．．可能是被人家怀疑自己的可信程度而不爽吧...
算了，认识我的人都知道我是什么样的人．．．
（不过当然刚刚认识的朋友肯定要时间去探测，自己也会这样。。）

所以算啦。。呵呵，去看戏了，轻松轻松下！

容易受伤的双鱼座！带眼识人！

今日朝早非常难受，然后好彩同妈妈（妹妹都係旁边）经０左，讲出黎觉得舒服ｄ
然后头先亦收到我的‘贵人’ｈｉｌｄｅ的ｅｍａｉｌ，知道有她支持我，都觉得好ｄ
不过点都係觉得我的责任係有的。。。
同时也收到一封ｅｍａｉｌ来自一位我諗都諗唔到係她的人
也很大很大可能她就是害到我和我位朋友鸡毛鸭血的人
她仲係我地的‘同乡’，諗到都觉得方某。。。虽然如果真係她我已经不会觉得奇怪了因为受伤害那位朋友有估可能係她。。。
不过点都唔想（唔敢）相信。。。点解人可以０甘样？。。。我同她根本无怨无仇。。。
之前仲同她一齐上过一堂subject，除了觉得她有ｄ睇唔起我地一ｄ同学，我其实觉得她几ok，甚至有时几nice．．．果阵我这位受害的朋友已经话依个人‘唔係好友善的人’，不过果阵我就以平时认识新朋友的态度，都会给她benefit of doubt，只要她没对我点，我点解要认定她不友善呢？
结果依架。。如果真係她，我就真係令教到了。。。唔知係好０米上天要我带眼识人，俾我一个０甘既教分？
不过我都係觉得如果成日要忌住识人０米好辛苦？而且我以往的经验都没有让我失望过，我对人真，对人好，不期望人家会对我一样好，不过至少不会害我。。。我几相信依个就係令我去到边道都容易被接受的原因。。。我又唔係刻意去对人好，都係顺其自然ｊｅｈ．．．难道依个principle不能时时用？或者又係。。。真矛盾。。
不过我諗要我带眼识人真係唔係讲０甘易。。。做左０甘多年人。。。埃。。。
不过我諗一个０甘既事情又不应该完全令我对于认识新朋友带来压力。。。

另外諗既就係对于朋友的付出，係唔係又要次次都諗青諗楚呢？
我可以对我ｄ朋友完全付出多係因为我ｄ朋友也会为我着想　（0甘ａｍ果d朋友都係双鱼座；Ｐ）。。。
不过可能係因为大家都係好天真的时期就认识了，所以对彼此都係好真的。。。
不过唔通人大了，就真係‘要’变坏吗？不可以在真心地对待朋友？
其实自己都有ｄ惊，以后做野怕俾人backstab都会蒙查查唔知道仲当人係好朋友。。。
諗到都惊。。。
点都好，最起码我知道仲有我班傻婆支持我，撑我。。。当然仲有屋企人。。。

如果没有了妈妈。。。

不好意思我这个是一个很touchwood的话题。。。不过也真的让我想了一下。。。
其实为什么突然会想到这个，就是因为我在youtube看了一小段‘飞短流长父子兵’- 就是范天朗/天明的妈妈离开他们和他们爸爸的那段 （我想这段是整个剧里面最伤心的）。。。其中一段天朗（郑嘉颖）跟（还没能接收妈妈离去了的事实）的弟弟天明（黄嘉乐）说 （大概）。。。“妈妈不在了，照顾爸爸就靠我们了”。。。
这句让我停下来想了一想。。。如果（touchwood）发生在我身上。。。我会怎么办？说真得我自己真得没有答案 （也一直跟自己说不能发生在我身上！）。。。因为我会觉得什么都没了。。。自己也不想活了，没了妈妈真得什么都没意思了，自己的成绩再好也没意思了。。。没了妈妈就好像没了我的精神上的支持之柱。。。自己很多事情都会找妈妈谈（也可以说是无所不聊的）。。。妈妈也可能是最有耐心听我说话的人了（虽然有时候她对我说的废话都没什么兴趣）。。。一旦发生什么令自己不开心的事第一时间就是想到妈妈。。。因为只有妈妈能开解我。。。我也对妈妈的意见最有信心，她说的我一般都会觉得是很好的。。。虽然妈妈读书不多不过她是个很有智慧的人，她也不断的看报纸电视什么的提高自己的知识。。。所以很多时候我什么是遇到矛盾都会参考她。。。反正妈妈就好像我的指导和心理医生了。。。
。。。所以呢，一家人在一起是那么的重要。。。

。。。哎，天啊！我为什么晚上就是这样的呢？都想这样的事情。。。
。。。还是回去做点正经的东西了。。。

The dishonest Turkish man and discrimination...种族歧视！

I've always been buying fruits especially apples, as well as tomatoes from the turkish shop...they are way cheaper than the supermarket and are more or less similar in quality...however i really dislike the shopowner, a Turkish man, because he is always trying to cheat on me, always trying to charge a higher price when i pay, and i always have to ask him to re-calculate, i wonder how much he has cheated of my money initially before i started paying attention to the price he pressed on the cashier machine...i seriously prefer his wife who is more honest...
...dislike the fact that someone tries to cheat or take advantage of you because you are not able to argue or fight back as you dont know the language...(i only know a few words of Dutch, which is luckily sufficient in this case, but certainly not Turkish...)...the same thing happened in one of the supermarkets...the little ALDI here in Rabot where they always have the old price on the food items, and when you pay you realised then new price is higher...you try to tell them, and they ignore you and tell you to go off...i really think this is some sort discrimination...they discriminate because they think we (Asian/Chinese) are poor and cannot afford higher-priced items, and we that count every single cents...ok, fine, true to a certain extent...but does that entitle them to 'bully' us in such a way? in this case, the price displayed on the board is the price that customers are entitled to, not updating is the staffs problem?!)
...and another example of discrimination is that as a friend mentioned...(I never really realized until she mentioned...and indeed yes, it is like that many times)...whenever we go up the tram/bus, the driver would keep an eye on us and make sure we validate our tickets...and no one really prefer sitting with us Asians, sometimes even if it is crowded they'd rather stand...it makes you think that you probably have some contagious disease or something...and once, I being so blur, didnt even realize until this friend of mine alerted me, we were on the train, and a French lady sat diagonally opposite us, with her doggie, and I without much thinking touched the dog, and then my friend suddenly asked me to stop doing that and when I looked up, the French lady gave me an expression that probably meant: 'dont you dare touch my dog, you low status foreigners/Asians'...

...but these are still not as scary as some encounters i had, sometimes alone, sometimes with one/a few frens...where we were verbally harassed...phrases like ' you XXXXing asians...blah blah blah..'..during those moments you dont normally get angry because you are too afraid, wanting to escape as quick as possible...
...and because I look typically chinese/japanese/koreans, sometimes i get people following near behind my back and saying chinese phrases like '你好吗？' etc...i had two encounters where some young lads tagged really near behind me and keep repeating names of Japanese brands...and even children sometimes shouted words which I dont understand (Turkish)...once me and my friend from Kenya were walking to school (he's a big tall guy) and I think those children threw a stone or something at us, though my friend said it is probably accident (he is a super kind man)...all these are done by Turkish...Belgians (Flemish) never really do these kind of things...

...however, certainly there are also many nice experiences, despite those episodes of discrimination/harassment...for example, while visiting the Gravesteen (a castle near us in Gent) with my friend (also Malaysian Chinese), a French man initiated a conversation with us and praised us (lols:P)...and also as I am a super blur person and never possess proper direction sense, sometimes i walk around with my map looking very very lost, turning my map 360 degrees figuring out my direction, and some kind belgians would offer assistance...also had some nice experience when people would help us drag our heavy luggages down the train when we were travelling...and when we offer seats to some old people, they would thank us profusely... I hope that our little act of kindness sometimes would help change perception of Westerners towards us Asian/Chinese...and those with selfish act in mind, who avoid from doing anything that would endanger our reputation, as we are already bad in their eyes, well to some of them at least...

$$$...

dont really have the mood to type in chinese so shall do this one in english...
...got an email from kojadi...one of those stressful, make-u-go-crazy emails (labeled: reminder in BOLD) again....wonder how long my father didnt make any payment...the debt now amounts to RM6,900.. really stressful looking at those figures...but also at the same time managed to remain calm compared to the previous times...it's not the first time i encountered this kinda thing...still, dont know what to say...
if i'm lucky the total amount of whatever loans that i owed now is probably something just below RM200,000.00...if unlucky it might be more than that...i wonder if things will ever get better...i started realizing my family financial problem when i was 12...guess it was also then that things started to go really downhill...so funny because physically, we were in fact living on a hill before that...things have not been any better since...13 years of those sort of living will forced one to be much, much more mature...(my own opinion)...but certainly part of me still retain the childishness, part of me never want and will never grow up...glad that i had this kind of 'balance' if u may term it...otherwise i would have gone crazy long ago...
....and it also changed my way of looking at money...the comment that MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING is one I will never agree with...never...my best fren comforted me by saying that all these (money problem, family problem etc) made us stronger...but however strong one is, there's a limit i suppose? i dont know how long i can withstand these myself...i'm still alright now...just a bit tired...i need someone to help me, although i know this thinking is very selfish, everyone has their own problems and why should anyone (even if it's ur own sibling or family member) help me?
in fact i've been very lucky that my frens are still with me...unlike my father who hasn't many frens anymore, unlike when he was richer when we were younger...he had loads of frens then, but when he had no more money, almost everyone 'dumped' him...i hate money...